Boundaries are often treated as something harsh. We associate them with shutting people out, creating distance and or being unwilling to compromise. But boundaries are not walls, they can be but oftentimes they’re not. They are a way of communicating what we will and will not accept, and they are an important part of maintaining healthy relationships with ourselves and the people around us.
One of the hardest boundaries to establish is simply saying ‘no.’ For many people, saying no comes with immense guilt. We constantly worry about disappointing someone, appearing selfish or making someone upset. It is simply who we are as people; but saying no does not make someone a bad friend, family member or person. Saying no is simply recognizing that you do not have the time, energy or desire to do or deal with something.
Your time and energy are limited resources. We cannot constantly be available to everyone while also expecting ourselves to be okay. When we repeatedly say yes when we really mean no, we can become overwhelmed and even resentful. Setting a boundary allows you to be honest about what we can handle before we reach that point.
Establishing boundaries is only part of the process though. If we tell someone that a certain behavior makes us uncomfortable but continue allowing it to happen, our words lose their meaning. Enforcing a boundary is super uncomfortable, especially when someone becomes upset, disappointed or angry, but another person’s negative reaction does not automatically mean that our boundary is wrong.
The people who are oftentimes most upset by our boundaries sometimes end up being the people who benefited from us not having any.
That does not mean boundaries should be used to control other people. There is an important difference between setting a boundary and giving someone an ultimatum.
Boundaries also look different depending on the relationship. They can mean telling a friend that you cannot talk right now, you don’t want to hang out, you don’t want to go out, or telling a family member the same thing. In relationships, boundaries can look like emotional, physical and personal space. None of these boundaries require an apology, nor should a good person expect one.
Perhaps most importantly, you do not need to wait until you are completely exhausted, hurt or angry to establish a boundary. “I am not comfortable with that” is enough. “I cannot do that right now” is enough. You do not need a dramatic explanation to justify protecting your peace.
Boundaries are not about pushing people away. They are about creating relationships where respect goes both ways. The people who genuinely care about us may not always understand every boundary immediately, but they should ultimately respect our right to have one.